For every waking day of my entire seven-year parental life, I've been nervous. Saying that would be an understatement, actually.
I am constantly at the edge of my seat. All I want is to be good at what I do. And to do it right. To not screw up. You can't blame me though.
Society tends to ride our backs to the point of no return. "You should do this..." "You shouldn't do that..." Can't a mother catch a break? I'm constantly overwhelmed at everything this life throws at me. Especially when it comes to rearing my little boy (who isn't that little anymore). Everyone who knows me personally is a witness to how obsessed I am about my child. I talk about him all the time, even when I am annoyed at him or frustrated.
I really want to be that kind of parent: the kind who has everything in control, the one who makes sure that the health of her child is the priority. I want to be that perfect parent. Sadly, I can't be. No one has that capability.
I was brought up always wanting to please my parents and grandparents because I equated their approval and affirmations with love and care. It was wrong of me to think that; and I guess the elders in our house were confused about the same things too. Because even until now, a lot is expected of me.
I don't want to be that kind of parent though.
All we can do is be the best at what we do. I may not be all sassy and classy, OC and healthy freaky (I just had to make it rhyme, forgive me); but my son knows and feels that he is loved. We live in a little apartment (which may fall apart anytime soon), but it is a home. A home where everyone is at ease and at peace. A home where we can laugh and cry and be ourselves, sans the judgment.
In this home, my son can be himself and be assured that he is loved no matter what. In this home, he can search for the things he loves the most and know that he will be supported wholeheartedly (but not without mindful advice). In this home, he can spend time on the things he is interested in (even though it kind of pinches my heart when he gets low scores in school) and be confident that I will be proud of him no matter what.
And in this home, I can become that kind of parent I want to be: accepting, loving, always in love, happy, and downright awesome! *gives self a high five*
