One day, I woke up, took a deep breath, and decided to take nothing of it any longer. It wasn't for me. It didn't make me happy. It didn't make me feel fulfilled.
I could stop here if you want - because those are the chief things that made me decide that I wasn't going to be a nurse. I never wanted to be one, and I never will be one.
Yes, it's such a waste. I genuinely think that those four years I spent in college - sitting absentmindedly in lecture rooms, going about my hospital duty like a robot, wearing that white uniform - was a big waste of my time here on earth! I don't mean to sound ungrateful. I'm happy I had gone to university and earned a degree; I am super thankful of that. And also because of the fact that nursing is definitely not easy - especially not for me - I'm glad I was able to finish those four excruciating years.
I've always been an achiever. I liked - no, I LOVED - school! I liked being at the top of the class, I liked recitations so freaking much that I cried in Philo 101 because my professor wouldn't acknowledge me anymore - even when I could have died from raising my hand that long. He said I was too participative and that I had to give my classmates a chance. They didn't want that chance! I wanted it! Oh well. He gave me an "I'm sorry" card at the end of the semester along with a cute gift that I threw away. All I wanted was to give the damn answer to the argument presented on the chalkboard that day.
Long story short, I loved school. Until Anatomy and Physiology came busting through the doors of my life - uninvited and unwanted, like a disease.
Hence, reason #1: I sucked at all those medical subjects! I was so great at chemistry - and that was that for me and the sciences. I always found myself struggling. While my classmates got 27, 28, 29 out of a 30-item exam on the skeletal system, I got a fantastic 10! Probably because I stayed out with my father who was obsessed with Cueshe at the time - ew. I cried for a good 20 minutes in the college's restroom because I received a failing grade for my pharmacology subject during the midterms. So messed up! And my self-confidence dipped - like, it was an all-time low for me.
While I excelled at minor subjects and everyone called me amazing because my mouth wouldn't shut up, I struggled to get my grades straight. It didn't help that I was thrown into a group of really intelligent people from different parts of the Philippines. It didn't help that they got their shit together while I was falling apart. It didn't help that they all seemed to be at home while I was forcing myself to understand the language. It was a tough four years. I'm amazed I survived! LOL
Then I went through a really harsh heartbreak that could have potentially jeopardized my board exam. I passed, yes. But that was that. I guess I'm pretty lucky with exams.
I tried getting a job at a hospital as a volunteer. I hated it - all 365 days of it. Of course, I lasted only a year. I woke up during duty days and my heart would be weeping inside because I didn't want to put on my white uniform, I didn't want to have to tie up my hair in a neat bun, I didn't want to see or smell death at the hospital, I didn't like walking around being pleasant to sick people when I was the one feeling dead inside. It was torture.
Being a klutz also didn't help - at all. I kept breaking stuff. You see I have this theory that my brain works too goddarn fast that my hands and body can't keep up. So this results to a lot of bloopers - even at home. Though I didn't do anything life-threatening to any of the patients under my care when I was working at the hospital, it wouldn't have taken long for me to screw up. I don't want to go to jail, and that's reason #2.
People always come up to me and ask why I never pursued that career, why I never went out of the country to work, why I chose to "just stay at home." I could give a ton of reasons but I know some people will take none of it. So I'm just going to say that I DON'T WANT TO. Easy as that. I don't want to be away for a long time. I don't want to be a nurse. I don't want to go out of the house. I'm productive though, but that's for another post. Hihi
Reason #3 would probably be that I just didn't want to be put in an uncomfortable situation. Not that I want an easy life (because, honestly, my life isn't easy AT ALL); I just want to be at peace with whatever I do in life. I've been living in chaos for all my life, and all I want right now is to live a content, quiet, serene life. They say that the magic happens outside your comfort zone. Sometimes, I disagree with that. Magic happens when there's inspiration and intent. How can I make magic when every day I feel uninspired and lost?
At the time, I thought I was just being obedient. You know, good kids follow what their elders tell them to do. But now, looking back, I guess I was just really a coward for not fighting for what I really wanted. And I'll take none of the cowardice anymore.
Now, I am a mother to a seven-year-old, and I'll never force him to be someone he's not. If he decides to become a musician, well and good. If he wants to be a doctor, I will work my ass off to pay for his tuition. If he feels like he wants to be a basketball player, I'll pay for his training and buy him awesome shoes. If he wants to be a farmer (as he claims when I asked him a couple of nights ago), then great! I'll get him tons of sunblock to use for when he works under the sun for too long.
Till next! :)
